Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wow! Its been quite a bit of time since my last entry and I sincerely apologize for that. I'm sure many of you (all 50 of you, haha) were wondering, 'where the hell is this chick???' Well, its not a great excuse, but life and school got me all wrapped up and I haven't had a chance to dedicate time to making regular blogging entries. But I intend on fixing that, starting right now. School is ending for the summer which leaves me quite a few early morning hours to sit back, contemplate and blog. As some of you may or may not know, I consider myself to be much better at writing my thoughts to convey them, rather than speaking them aloud. Sitting behind this computer screen with a steaming cup of hot tea or coffee and the ability to edit my words before they 'go live' appeals to me! haha Go figure. So, within the next week or so, you will see more regular blogs and I intend on keeping it that way at least for the summer-time.
Okay, on to the topic for today: REACHING GOALS.
One of my most avid Youtube supporters sent me a personal message to my YT inbox the other day. In it, they were discussing how we shouldn't allow the scale to "make or break us" so to speak. They were talking about how our true successes (and failures) are within our actual measurements. I think what they were trying to do was render a much needed pep talk to me, after I had a rather unsatisfactory weigh in. But it was within reading their message to me that I realized something: In a way, I've already reached, AND SURPASSED, what I first set out to do!
Let me tell you a little back story here. As some of you may know, after I had Jeremiah I weighed in at a whopping 260lbs. I remember standing there in the doctor's office at my 6wk check-up after giving birth, looking at those numbers on the scale, and wanting to cry. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was disgusted with myself. Shortly after that visit I got to a horrible state of mind, I immediately thought I could just starve myself back to a lower weight. (This leads back to a bit of an eating disorder that I had back in my early teen years). I can remember not eating for a few days and getting headaches, being dizzy when I stood up, being very dehydrated and weak. It wasn't until speaking with my best friend and being honest with her about what I was doing that I woke up and realized, this is NOT the way to go about losing the weight. So I started to do it the healthy way, but still the reflection in the mirror haunted me.
In all honesty, I refused to look in any full length mirrors at myself. Whenever I did look into a full length mirror, I cried almost immediately because I hated what I saw. I can remember the first Christmas after Jeremiah was born, Rob and I were invited to go to his cousin's house in NY for a Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day party. I sat there in the bottom of my closet looking up at all these plus size clothes and huge maternity clothes (which were all I could fit into at that point) and I sat there crying my eyes out. I remember sitting there, crying and wishing : I wish I could just lose some weight and be happy with what I see. I just want to be comfortable and happy with myself.....
Yes, there's a number on the scale that I'm shooting for. Have I reached it? No. Yes, there's a certain pant size that I think I would be able to get to. Have I gotten there yet? No.
BUT...... I AM HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF!
All number sizes and weight aside, being happy and comfortable and not wanting to cry when I saw my reflection, was my REAL original goal, AND I'VE MET THAT GOAL! Now, I step in front of the mirror and I'm okay with what I see. What I see, is me: A mother, A Wife, A student, An Athlete (who would have thought?), A Comedian, A Counselor, A Helper, An Encourager....and the list goes on and on.
Its a pretty shocking thing when you realize that you've accomplished what you set out to do in the first place. I had this huge realization in the middle of typing my reply to this avid supporter of mine on YT. I think its important to share it here as well, because this should give others hope!
The main thing I want others to get out of seeing my struggles played out both in my YT videos and here in this blog, is this: I really DO know exactly what many of you are going through because I was there once too. I know what its like to hate the reflection in the mirror. I know what its like to be so desperate that you would STARVE yourself just to be thinner. I too, have shed those tears of shame, disgust and unhappiness. But look at this and my successes (thus far) as PROOF that YOU CAN DO IT TOO! I really do mean that! If I could get my butt up off the couch, so can you. If I could muster up the strength, motivation, determination and focus to lose the weight and become healthy, then so can you.
My main theme these days seems to be:
Don't Give Up On Yourself. You Owe It To Yourself To Be Happy And Healthy.